Through the Thorns…

Lacking Faith – by Kevin

Somehow, through the day-to-day, normal events of my week I managed to really cause some major discomfort in my feet. My hope was that a little sleep and a lot of rest would ease the pain I am now feeling (this is different then the low back, knee and ankle pain I normally deal with). But last night the pain escalated and my reaction was not made in grace, nor was it very manly. Instead, I reacted in fear, anger, despair and a little more anger.

I tried to distract myself with some favorite movies and quality time with my wife, son and grandmother, but all I really wanted to do was be angry. You see, I’m no stranger to pain. One would probably think I’m used to it, but new pain is never warmly welcomed. I fear the possibility of being off of work as a result of pain. I fear not being able to do the very little amount of what I can do and consider fun. I fear the possibility of a future of having to constantly deal with feeling and even being unable to do what others find easy and medial. And this makes me very angry. I seriously love my life… I just wish I was someone else in it. The same spirit and personality, but with a different body. A body that is capable.

When it comes down to it, my faith is lacking. I am not saying I believe that if I will it hard enough and if I believe it hard enough God will heal me. Instead, my faith in God being sovereign and in control of my circumstance is lacking. My faith that God has allowed this to happen for a purpose is lacking. My belief in the goodness of God and the power of the gospel is lacking. My belief in an eternal future is lacking. And all of this can be disheartening.

All of the above mentioned areas of lacking faith are unfortunately true. But I thank God that being perfect in any of those areas is not required of me. I am still growing in my walk in the way of Christ and I guess I am being humbled in certain ways to remind me of my need for Him and His work on the cross. It is my hope that, through him, one day I will figure this stuff out, but it’s not today (and it definitely was not last night).

Last night’s events concluded with my wife asking me what it was that I wanted her to do. She asked if I wanted her to pray over the situation. I realized then that praying was the last thing I wanted to do, but it was definitely what I needed. I walked into the hallway and, not so gracefully, demanded my family meet me in the living room (yes, I live with my family still). Once we were all there I explained the situation and we prayed. I know God does not have to heal me just because I want it. And I know he probably won’t heal me in the way most think God performs His healing capabilities. But it does not change the fact that I want relief. That I want change. So what is it I pray for? What is it my that family and church family prays to occur in my life? We pray, not only for healing, but that God would shower me with grace; That God would be more important to me than my own flesh and circumstance; That the truths in scripture and especially in Christ’s gospel message would be more real to me than pain. I know that if these things were more real to me then I would have a different outlook. I know I would not care about the pain I feel anywhere near as much as I currently do.

So, brothers and sisters in Christ, friends and family, I ask you for prayer. I will not stop you if you pray for healing. Hopefully it happens. But specifically pray that God would be more real and important to me than anything humanly imaginable (especially my own reality and perception of it). Pray that God would continue to pour out grace on me so that I will continue to fight “the good fight”.

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